Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
