also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
