awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
