I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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