She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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