Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
