My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
