so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
