I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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