The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
