I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
