You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
