david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
