I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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