remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
