I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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