OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
True strength comes from lack of pants
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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