help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
