I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
