So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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