If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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