shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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