I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
