sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
