i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
