I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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