my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
