i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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