we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
