Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
operation harelip BJ is a go
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
