a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
