I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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