im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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