Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
