Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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