My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Your penis caused this!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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