i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
