I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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