I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
