Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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