Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
