I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
