PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
