You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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