everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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