I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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