Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize