Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Randomize
