i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just had sex on a roof
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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