i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
