The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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