he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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