I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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