Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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