a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
