I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
