Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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