So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
