can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
