Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
